I've Had It With Your Goddamn Philandering

Where were you so late? Working my ass. I called your office. You weren't there. You smell like Jim Beam. You were with her, weren't you? Admit it! Why won't you just be straight with me, you spineless bastard? You think I honestly believe you took up smoking again "just because"? I know you're trying to cover her cheap Walmart perfume, you pig. Why can't we ever have an adult conversation? Don't you see you're tearing this family apart?!? See what you did?! Oh, honey, what are you doing out of bed? Everything's okay. Mommy and daddy are just talking. No, of course not. We're not getting a divorce. Not so long as daddy stops fucking around. Sometimes daddy does bad things and mommy has to remind him that he's a fucking asshole. No, daddy won't get a spanking, even if he deserves one. He will be sleeping on the couch tonight, though. And he'll probably be staying in a motel tomorrow. And the night after. Don't cry, sweetheart; daddy won't be gone long. Just until he can learn to keep his dick in his pants. See? See what you've fucking done? Your own fucking son! You make me sick. Oh, your dinner? Fuck you! That's where your dinner is, you asshole. And I swear to God, if you leave the cap off the toothpaste one more time, I will burn this fucking place to the ground.

FEBRUARY 17, 2021

A Fictional Account of 2020

They were faced with easily avoidable horrors and still everything felt like it was falling apart and that which was previously normal was no longer so and satire retired because it had nothing left to do and no one was happy, not eve those who were tired of winning and then Those Who Actually Know said they had a plan and everyone listened to it and then they followed the advice of Those Who Actually Know and then everything went according to plan and I guess everyone lived happily ever after.

Or something. Fuck, man. I dunno.

FEBRUARY 09, 2021


We believe you, dearie. We truly do. It's just that... We worry about you, your father and I. I mean... You talk about him so much, this 'friend' of yours, but we've never seen him, even when you seem to. I just... and don't take this the wrong way, okay? Because this is out of love and not, like, any sort of condescending dismissal of the vibrant and possibly pseudo reality that dwells inside your otherwise level head. This is supportive and constructive criticism and, basically, an open conversation, here in a safe place, under the Trust Tree, so I'm... Okay, well, look, under the Trust Tree, I'm just gonna say what's on my mind - on all of our minds - and that is that we think that maybe you should seek professional help?

JANUARY 07, 2015

Thanksgiving at the Orphanage

No one likes orphans. that's the primary cause of orphanism. If anyone cared about orphans, anyone at all, there wouldn't be any orphans. They'd have been adopted by now.

Read Orphanage

NOVEMBER 18, 2014

Second Best Man Speech

Wedding of Jon and Jana Smolenski

I never really liked Jon.

Everything I could do, he could do better.

When we were young, sharing a room:

I liked to write stories and he wrote poetry. He won awards.

I liked to draw pictures. He started a t-shirt company feature his own artwork.

I could only get to world 8-4, using all of the warp zone shortcuts. He beat the game and all of the Goombas turned into Beetles, yet he kept playing because he could.

I grew a scraggly, half-hearted beard and the thatched wilderness of his face is a glory to behold.

Read Second Best Man

OCTOBER 25, 2014

Yo Mama is Actually Quite Nice

Yo mama is so hot that when she eats an ice cream cone, the rocky road immediately evaporates and she's left with an empty waffle cone, which she eats anyway, albeit in a less enthusiastic manner than she would have had the ice cream that she so desired not immediately sublimated due to her hotness.

Read Yo Mama

MARCH 21, 2014

Pretty Pretty Princess

I've always wanted to be a princess: capering and gamboling through sunlit topiary menageries in damask dresses of finely spun silk, trailing brightly looped ribbons and tittering gaily.

I would have a pony, obviously. All princess have ponies, but mine would be the most spritely and princing'est of the ponies. Oh, to feel the wind sweeping through my hair and the rippling muscles of that magnificent beast beneath my bum as a surly serf leads it in slow circle around a straw and dung strewn pen!

Read Pretty Pretty Princess

MARCH 21, 2014

Last Will and Testament

Do whatever you want with the body. Donate it to science. Throw it in the trash. Make a marionette. I don't care. But make absolutely certain that you burn all of my stuff when I die. It's my stuff.

MARCH 13, 2014

Hate Mail From Santa

Read All Hate Mail

DECEMBER 28, 2013


And she says, "but the circumstances aren't right..."

"That's alright; we can change them," you reply.

Then she says, "you're missing the point."

We have nowhere to go from here.

SEPTEMBER 25, 2013

On Return

Alright, so: I'm back from Burning Man. Mostly.

On return, it took some time to reacquaint myself with socially acceptable circadian rhythms and nearly as long to clean the dust off my belongings and person. I likely ate more dust out there than food, but again: not a complaint; well worth it.

Read On Return

SEPTEMBER 13, 2013

An Easter Prayer

Oh, Heavenly Father, today we gather to give thanks and praise for all that you have bestowed upon us in Your infinite grace and wisdom. We give thanks for family and for friends and for those who fall into neither category yet are with us today despite not having been invited. (You know who you are; we all do and so does God.) We give thanks for Your woe begotten son, Jesus Herbert Christ, Whom You sent to us so that we could string Him up on a cross and leave Him to suffer and die for no good reason. And we give thanks that this somehow gives us the impression that we have been absolved of the mortal sins that taint our souls because that bitch Eve couldn't keep her hands off the goddamned produce. Yay, God. Amen.

MARCH 31, 2013

Introduction to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints [sic]

One of the most powerful beliefs of Morons is that God speaks to us directly. Whenever we are presented with 'facts', we must ask God if what we 'hear' is 'true'.

Ask yourself now: who would you believe? God or 'facts'?

Though many Morons hold beliefs that may seem strange and, frankly, contradictory, in a modernized world, we continue to adhere to those beliefs because God tells us. He tells us in our hearts.

Morons hear things with their hearts. Isn't that more better than things you hear with your ears and see with your eyes?

Read Moron

OCTOBER 31, 2012

Operation Freaky Monkey Celebratory Gala

Alright. Okay. Quiet down, please. If I could get your attention for a moment... Yes, right. Okay, then.

I'd like to thank everyone for coming. Welcome to the first ever 'We May Not Be Winning, But There Have Been Positive Strides' banquet dinner commemorating the modicum of progress we've recently made against our humorless and justice-crazed Arch Nemesis.

Read Freaky Monkey

SEPTEMBER 27, 2012

Where Are We Going and Why Am I in This Handbasket?

Dear Editor-in-chief,

For publication by
National Geographic, I submit a chronicle of my recent travels to the exotic land of Spain. Have you been to Spain? I have.

This article is entitled "Where Are We Going and Why Am I in This Handbasket?"

Thank you for your time and consideration. I eagerly await your response.

Read Handbasket

SEPTEMBER 17, 2012

Car Alarm

The crowd of voices is a bubbling boil. Not a hum; not a steady, static.

It moves and changes, flows around eddies of silence, up and over, surging and breaking roughly against the rocks just there, just now as disagreements flare and fall and are swept out again by the inexorable undertow.

Read Car Alarm

AUGUST 08, 2012

Directory of Captive Species

For eons, the awesome power of the sea has entranced and eaten us. To re-establish our God-given dominance, we enjoy capturing marine organisms, placing them in decorative tanks and taunting them with our grubby, little fingers. Meet the inhabitants of my tank...

Read the Directory of Captive Species

AUGUST 07, 2012

Alright, Texas

I have a bone to pick with you.

Well, not a bone, really. More just a 'thing', but that doesn't sound quite right. In fact, 'picking a thing with you' sounds either like what dead-eyed couples do on long weekends - like shopping for bathroom accessories or choosing a couch or selecting a puppy to match the drapes in the living room. Ugh - or, it could be like picking at a thing together, a scab thing or a boil thing or a rash thing.

I will not pick at that sort of thing with you.

Read Alright, Texas

JULY 18, 2012

You Hear 'Bout Them Moovee Pitchers?

Did'j'all hear 'bout them move pitchers?

I heard tell o' them move pitchers from one o' them sof'-belly cityfolk that come on up ta town from their land o' sin. And this cityboy, he says to me, he says - God's honest truth, so help me - he says, "these there moves? They's like you got these li'l folk and they's trapped in this contraption we calls a 'teller version'," says this there cityfeller.

Read Moovee Pitchers

JULY 15, 2012

Yawalla Wonka

For many, Easter is celebration and joy and seeking brightly painted eggs hidden in the underbrush by some goddamned asshole who fucking...


Joy. Right. It's joy. For you: it's joy.

Read Yawalla Wonka

APRIL 04, 2012


Come! Sit! My office is yours. Take some weight off those swollen toes and make yourselves at home, the both of you. It's always refreshing to meet expectant first-timers.

Just look at you two! You're aglow. And you, Mom: positively bursting! Too late to hide from family now; the truth protrudes.

Read Bun

FEBRUARY 04, 2012

There's Magic There

I've seen it glistening.

Memories then are scattered and scarce, but the astonishment stays:

I remember blue grandma in her blue house; I remember white icier furniture on her blue porch; I remember Papa beside her, always happy to see me.

Read There's Magic There

JANUARY 31, 2012


This is not the time for gift giving.

This is the time for thanks giving and I would strongly encourage you all to remember that, lest you forget all those nasty redskins, cleansed from this majestic land of purple mountains and amber-wavy grains centuries ago by our courageous, small-pox- blanket wielding fore bearers.

Read Thanksgiving

NOVEMBER 19, 2011


Okay, so really, none of this is my fault. That's probably the best place to start, because I know you'll likely be thinking otherwise before you've read too far into this and I wanted to state first and foremost that, no: you are wrong. None of this is my fault.

Read Spain!

OCTOBER 27, 2011

Stranger Still

You're right; I have been a stranger. Though, considering my upbringing and heredity, I'm surprised that you're surprised. And but, while we warn our children away from strangers and the danger they conceal within windowless vans and overlong coats in overwarm weather, you still seem sweet on me.

Read Stranger Still

OCTOBER 20, 2011


I don't care if you're hungry; can't you see that daddy is broken? Oh, now you're thirsty? Then get yourself something to drink like a real man! What are you now? Eleven? Oh, four? Still. Get a fucking cup. Fill it. Take a fucking drink. How hard is that? Wait. No, stop. Not the brown paper bag. Don't drink that. That's daddy juice. Go drink from the toilet or something.

Read Legless

MARCH 27, 2011


Critters chirped and sang unseen but were no help. Night wind shushed the trees as it sashayed through their leaves and maverick droplets began thup-thupping the dust at his feet. Convening clouds above muttered the threat of outright downpour. She waited, eyeing him intently.

Read Bait

MARCH 18, 2011

That's Love

Love is when daddy's boss at the factory tells him that he's been made 'redundant' and daddy doesn't know how to tell mommy because there's already a huge stack of letters marked 'Past Due' by the door and so he goes down to O'Leary's on 5th and Orange and sits in the smoke, elbows on the bar, even though it's only 9am on a Wednesday.

Read That's Love

MARCH 09, 2011

Omit The Mayo

Delis are dangerous, relapse-wise. Sure, I could assemble my own sandwich, but between rising, shining and lunch, I'll sit on it and its baggie will rupture in my pack and wheat crumbs will burrow between laptop keys to breed.

Read Omit the Mayo

NOVEMBER 11, 2010

Tour of San Francisco For Out of Town Guests

Hello, everyone. Welcome to sunny San Francisco. I'll be your guide this afternoon. Don't worry about taking notes. You're not likely to learn anything. Except, perhaps, how great I look in a suit. Everything else, I probably made up.

You may be wondering how I'm qualified to lead this tour. That's a good question; keep wondering. I do have a mostly successful babysitting track record and haven't lost a child I liked yet. I hope to apply the skills I learned in that endeavor today, so in about an hour, we'll have a snack of apple wedges and peanut butter followed by a nap during which time I will sneak out to smoke pot in the bathroom.

Read the Tour
Read the Brochure

JUNE 29, 2010

Third Epistle of Peter

(You Can Sleep When You’re Dead But Please Shower Beforehand As We Have A Fairly Strict Personal Hygiene Policy Up Here)

"Dear Jesus,

My mom says I get to go to Heaven when I'm dead because we're Baptist but Herbie Rosenthal has to go to Hell because she says he's too 'faggy' and she also says that Mr. Muggles has to go to Hell because he's a dog, but he's a good dog, mostly. She says that the Bible says who gets to go to Hell and who gets to go to Heaven because the Bible is The Word Of God. But why do you have to put people in Hell even when they're not bad?

I love you,

Jimmy Appleby"

Read 3 Peter

MARCH 26, 2010

This Needs Work

"Orin was the greatest writer in the world. Though he'd never had anything published, or indeed read by anyone else, he was certain of this. Certain because all that he'd read was dreck and though he hadn't read much after this realization, he could reasonably assume that what he hadn't and wouldn't read was also rubbish: the same story told over and again; predictable plot lines and trite twists."

Read This Needs Work

JUNE 07, 2009

Too Much Coffee; Not Enough Cream

In and out of sleep. Tossing and drenching tangled sheets. Can't find the sweet spot, that indented sleep spot in the middle of the mattress. Shadows slide across long-watched walls, ambiguous shapes suggesting thoughts unbidden. Imagine heavy lids and the deep dark behind them. No use. Eyes still dry and wide. Mind still boiling over. I have to pee.

JANUARY 23, 2009


You're A Big Boy Now

"Cake was consumed and in the flurry of presents that followed Bobby forgot all about the nightmares he would no longer be having. He was only slightly sad when no wrapped package contained the floppy-eared rabbit for which he had pleaded. This disappointment dissolved quickly in the laughing faces of a leering clown and a dozen gleeful guests. In fact, Bobby was quite content through the rest of his birthday party and into the evening. By the time his mother came to put toys into closets and Bobby into bed, he was ready and yawning."

Read Frumious

Bewildering Stories - Issue 339 - May, 2009
Bewildering Stories - 2009Q2 Editor's Choice - June, 2009
The Cynic Magazine - Vol. 11, Issue 10 - October, 2009

JANUARY 05, 2009


Knock kneed and narrow limbed in the tangled shade between two tents, agape and still reeling from that first kiss: quick and dry and off she'd gone, back into the throng of gleeful guests.

It glowed with me then; with buzzing neon proclaiming promise and the wide, bright whites of smiling eyes and teeth.

But when the gleam was gone and the lights burnt black, then it's just tattered canvas and rooking booths sans hawkers and marks, webs cobbing unwon, stuffed prizes. A precarious Ferris wheeling slowly on rusted spokes. Merry-go-rounds that aren't and don't. Discarded garbage riding the breeze, spewing greasy kernels on dusty avenues papered with plates mashed flat by now absent gawkers. A lone busker, weary and worn, once smiling creases now forlorn, eyes on a crowd that isn't in attendance.

Singing anyway.

Dancing anyway.

FIVE:2:ONE Magazine - February 24, 2017

DECEMBER 30, 2008

Santa's Coming!

It was the night of Christmas Eve,
Santa was preparing to leave.
He filled his sleigh with lots of toys,
Ready to give to girls and boys.

He skipped and plopped down to the sleigh,
The reindeer flew up and away.
At the bit they chomp and dentate
As they struggle to drag his weight.

By the time it was almost dawn,
Old Santa made a great big yawn.
He turned the sleigh back toward his home
And allowed his senile mind t'roam.

He thought of the cookies, milk 'n' cake,
All of which he'd been glad to take.
He thought of the stockings all in place.
He thought of stuffing his big, fat face.

In his pond'ring he did not see
Flight one-sixteen to Kennedy.
The plan was flown by pilot Bob
Who did nothing besides his job.

But Bob had had far too much 'nog
And didn't see the sleigh through the fog.
He flew straight toward the man in red,
Now comes the moment we all dread.

Santa didn't see the seven forty seven.
It doesn't matter though; he's in Heaven.
All that's left is a crumpled sled,
And nine flat reindeer, all good and dead.

DECEMBER 25, 2008